My Mom started exhibiting dementia behaviors six years
before she died. The doctor said it was cortico-basal deterioration. Since no
one in my family had ever had dementia before, we all quickly Googled the
disease and absorbed everything WebMD had to say about it. In the end, all I
needed to know was that I would lose her twice – first her personality was
taken leaving someone I didn’t recognize, and then her body forgot how to
function and she passed away.
I was 52 when she died, a month before my birthday and
a week before Mother’s Day. I’m beyond thankful that my Mom got to be at my
wedding, see the birth of my children, and watch them grow. I’m constantly
thinking back to the great advice she gave me on life, but I still miss her
terribly. She lives on in the wonderful memories she helped to create – joyful holidays
with family and good meals, shopping outings, exchanging recipes!
On the Psychology
Today website, Dr. David Sack talks about how losing your parent hurts,
irrespective of your age. He writes that his father’s death was like “my anchor
to my identity” had been severed. Like Dr. Sack, I too felt lost at sea because
the person who had known me the longest – nine months before anyone else – was
gone. I lived in a fog for about a year – the house didn’t get cleaned, dinners
didn’t get made.
In her blog Grief and Sympathy, Elizabeth
Postle says losing a parent is a natural progression of
life, but it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. My Mother’s parents lived into
their 90’s, but Mom was dead at 78. Why didn’t
I get to have the extra 20 years with her that I expected?
Fortunately, because I work part-time and at home, I
was able to work through all of my grief without the pressure of moving forward
before I was ready. In doing so, I learned there’s just no way around it in
order to move forward, you’ve got to walk head on into the turmoil and pain of
grieving.
I went through all the stages of grief that
psychologists talk about – disbelief, anger, and deep, deep sadness. Whether
anyone liked it or not, when they asked “How are you?” I told them my mother
had died. Friends? Yes. Total strangers? Yep. Unconsciously, I decide I would
tell everyone and get help from anyone who could offer support.
For a while, I saw a counselor, Jeff, and once I told
him, “I just want to curl up in my closet and close the door for a while.” Surprisingly,
he suggested I try it! After telling husband and kids the plan, I carved out a
little part of my closet, sat down and closed the door. It was so peaceful,
that I took to my closet hideaway quite often, allowing myself to “feel my
feelings” as Jeff would say.
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen, author of “How to Let Go of Someone You Love” writes “the secret to
letting go is to do it every single day – or several times a day if your grief is
fresh.”
To say my Mom’s death was life changing for me is an
understatement. My “normal” life would never be the same.
At the one-year mark, when remembering my Mother’s
death, I could hear her voice, telling me to push forward. I was encouraged as
if from a silent cheerleader to start pushing forward.
So, I decided to push beyond my fears and indecision
and jump into life. Whereas before, I was afraid to ever get out of my comfort
zone, I’ve been doing things I had only dreamed of before. Recently I entered a
writing contest for a creative essay that I wrote. I’ve gone to writing
workshops where a bunch of people critique my work – in front of me! And guess
what? I not only survived these experiences, but I grew from them.
I will always carry the grief of my mother’s death
with me. I can’t help it. But, I’m moving forward, and hope you can find the
courage and strength to move forward too.
Written by Allison Robenstein